Popular culture often portrays divorced fathers as deadbeats who have little interest in caring for the emotional, physical, and financial needs of their children. In the stereotype-shattering book, "I Didn't Divorce My Kids!", Gerhard Amendt presents the long-neglected plight of the divorced father who is plagued by grief and loneliness after being separated from his children. Based on surveys and in-depth interviews of thousands of such dads, Amendt reveals how fathers cope with trying to salvage their own lives while simultaneously maintaining relationships with their children after a painful divorce.
Amendt's incisive look at divided families also explores the impact that a single-parent household has on children's well-being, criticizing the American tendency to over-pathologize normal reactions to familial upheaval. Even the most civilized of divorces, Amendt argues, can cause rage, sadness, potential health problems, and behavioral disturbances in otherwise well-adjusted children. The broad spectrum of experiences recounted in "I Didn't Divorce My Kids!" will be essential reading for anyone interested in, or personally shaped by, the changing face of the modern family.
Popular culture often portrays divorced fathers as deadbeats who have little interest in caring for the emotional, physical, and financial needs of their children. In the stereotype-shattering book, "I Didn't Divorce My Kids!", Gerhard Amendt presents the long-neglected plight of the divorced father who is plagued by grief and loneliness after being separated from his children. Based on surveys and in-depth interviews of thousands of such dads, Amendt reveals how fathers cope with trying to salvage their own lives while simultaneously maintaining relationships with their children after a painful divorce.Amendt's incisive look at divided families also explores the impact that a single-parent household has on children's well-being, criticizing the American tendency to over-pathologize normal reactions to familial upheaval. Even the most civilized of divorces, Amendt argues, can cause rage, sadness, potential health problems, and behavioral disturbances in otherwise well-adjusted children. The broad spectrum of experiences recounted in "I Didn't Divorce My Kids!" will be essential reading for anyone interested in, or personally shaped by, the changing face of the modern family.
Table of Contents
Foreword
Introduction
1. Divorce from a Socio-Political Perspective
2. What Men Say about Their Divorces Fifteen Case Histories
Divorce by Fax-Martin W.
Fatherhood after the Loss of Joint Parenthood-Peter T.
A "Vacation Dad" per Court Decree-Richard B.
When the Wife Is Declared Insane-Ian L.
When the Youth Welfare Office Joins Forces with the Mother-Frederick H.
When Children Are Expected to Decide About the Relationship-Aaron S.
A Last Minute Trip to Jamaica-Chris O.
"Daddy, you're not paying any child-support!"- Harry T.
When the Daughter Takes Care of the Father-Philip M.
The Accusation of Abuse As a Conflict Strategy-Toby V.
"Isn't that the guy they accused of sexual abuse?"-Herb E.
Uncertain Paternity-Manfred S.
New Fathers Unwanted?-George T.
A Peculiar Love Triangle-John D.
Divorce As a Cause of Illness-Gabe H.
3. "Visitation Time"-How Fathers Spend Time with Their Children?
4. What Makes Fathers Sever Relations with Their Children
5. Intimate Violence, Health and Professional Help
Conclusions: New Perspectives on the Discourse of Divorce
Notes
Gerhard Amendt ist Professor am Institut für Geschlechter- und Generationenforschung an der Universität Bremen und seit 2002 emeritiert. Seit 2000 befragte er in einem Forschungsprojekt mehr als 3 600 Scheidungsväter zu ihren Erfahrungen.
Introduction
Why Men Speak about Their Secrets
Astonishingly, more than 3,600 divorced fathers were willing to speak openly and candidly about stressful and often deeply traumatic experiences. A common explanation is that men have changed over the last 30 years and as a result can speak more freely about their feelings. But although men have indeed changed, the explanation is not convincing. Rather, it indicates that the male psyche has been misunderstood and it points to the myths that have replaced an empathetic perception and interpretation of masculinity. In point of fact, the counterthesis runs, men were always ready to discuss their feelings in a masculine fashion, but the public was simply unwilling to listen. Nobody enjoys talking about painful experiences when his words fall on deaf ears. Above all, a man will not speak about experiences that injure his self-esteem and call his capability into question. Who would want to render himself additionally vulnerable?
People who rely on the male sense of self-esteem and furthermore build their own lives on a man's ability to perform, as is still typical for women in classic gender-role assignment, will be reluctant to listen to things that could unsettle their beliefs. Women who need support are thereby deprived of emotional and social certainties they do not wish to forgo. "Male weakness" poses a disadvantage for those who are dependent and rely on "strong men." Men will not speak about their weaknesses as long as they run the risk incurring the contempt of those they have disappointed. As my teacher, Theodor W. Adorno, once wrote: "Love you will find only where you may show yourself weak without provoking strength." A person who wants to discuss his difficulties will only do so if he can be sure that his weaknesses will be accepted and his unstable sense of self-esteem will not be pursued with ridicule.
With the encouragement of the women's movement toward the end of the last century, many women began to speak openly about their feelings, passions, unfulfilled desires and sexual fantasies, even revealing that they inclined toward violence against their partners and children. Naturally, such confessions were not the exclusive result of personal courage; instead, they were also promoted by a public that was suddenly willing to listen, without shaming or deriding them, or turning away in irritation. This applied to the family, the community, the political parties, the workplace, academia, and the media. Matters that women at one time had concealed in shamed silence were suddenly worth hearing and warranted discussion. Not least, this resulted in new women's literature.
Following the student movement of the sixties, the modern women's movement recognized women as historical subjects who were deemed capable of great achievement in terms of shaping their own lives and life in society beyond their role in the family. Initially, the movement had no desire whatsoever to consider the precarious political pleasure of being a female victim surrounded on all sides by evildoers and villains. In contrast, a strong trend that no one could really foresee later developed out of the women's movement in the form of the feminist movement which stylized women as the victims of dark forces. Willingly or unwillingly, women's discussions of private matters were transformed into unrequested membership in the world-spanning circle of women as universal victims. Thus, it was less a question of meting out praise for women's courage and activity than of recognizing their willingness to identify with their assigned victim role. The emergence of this world view, which was cast in black and white opposites and devoid of all intermediate hues, will require future study no less than the silence of men who took no offense at being characterized as exclusively grim and heartless.
For divorced fathers it is equally undesirable to be cast as stereotypical victims, and?their experience of discrimina
Inhaltsverzeichnis
Table of ContentsnnForewordnnIntroductionnn1. Divorce from a Socio-Political Perspectivenn2. What Men Say about Their Divorces Fifteen Case HistoriesnDivorce by Fax-Martin W.nFatherhood after the Loss of Joint Parenthood-Peter T.nA "Vacation Dad" per Court Decree-Richard B. nWhen the Wife Is Declared Insane-Ian L. nWhen the Youth Welfare Office Joins Forces with the Mother-Frederick H.nWhen Children Are Expected to Decide About the Relationship-Aaron S.nA Last Minute Trip to Jamaica-Chris O. n"Daddy, you're not paying any child-support!"- Harry T.nWhen the Daughter Takes Care of the Father-Philip M.nThe Accusation of Abuse As a Conflict Strategy-Toby V. n"Isn't that the guy they accused of sexual abuse?"-Herb E. nUncertain Paternity-Manfred S. nNew Fathers Unwanted?-George T. nA Peculiar Love Triangle-John D. nDivorce As a Cause of Illness-Gabe H. nn3. "Visitation Time"-How Fathers Spend Time with Their Children? nn4. What Makes Fathers Sever Relations with Their Childrennn5. Intimate Violence, Health and Professional Help nnConclusions: New Perspectives on the Discourse of Divorce nnNotes
Klappentext
Popular culture often portrays divorced fathers as deadbeats who have little interest in caring for the emotional, physical, and financial needs of their children. In the stereotype-shattering book, "I Didn't Divorce My Kids!", Gerhard Amendt presents the long-neglected plight of the divorced father who is plagued by grief and loneliness after being separated from his children. Based on surveys and in-depth interviews of thousands of such dads, Amendt reveals how fathers cope with trying to salvage their own lives while simultaneously maintaining relationships with their children after a painful divorce.nAmendt's incisive look at divided families also explores the impact that a single-parent household has on children's well-being, criticizing the American tendency to over-pathologize normal reactions to familial upheaval. Even the most civilized of divorces, Amendt argues, can cause rage, sadness, potential health problems, and behavioral disturbances in otherwise well-adjusted children. The broad spectrum of experiences recounted in "I Didn't Divorce My Kids!" will be essential reading for anyone interested in, or personally shaped by, the changing face of the modern family.
